May 3, 2001 + Thursday

5:23 pm FUCK If I didn't care at all, then I wouldn't feel so hurt right now...but I do. Sucks that I've fallen...

...in that place. A really dangerous place. =( =( =(

Why do I care? Why do I have these damn feelings and why does it always have to make me feel soooooooo............and I thought this year would be nice for a change. But it always seems to break me.

Thing is...I don't want this to be finished. over. the end. ah, what am I saying. I'm just young and obviously thinking too much. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

11:08 am My friend Ann says I've already fallen...

Shit.

May 2, 2001 + Wednesday + 6:10 pm

>>confused about my "double splash page" ?

I was talking to Mr. Jesse via AIM last night and all I have to say is that I'm so sick of half-assed shit [his words]. To hell with it. I'm tired of having my chain pulled. Accept me or not just don't keep me grounded in the middle all the damn time. Come to think of it, my previous relationship was definitely half-assed. Situations like this make me fear being able to like someone. No wonder I'm so damn anti-social. Manipulate me, use me, get me to like you, open up to you and feel all these feelings and then just leave and tell me that you don't feel the same way...it's open season on my heart. Fuckers. Do I have this sign on my forehead that says "Hi. I'm nice and please, step all over my heart because I won't mind and I'm used to it."

Speaking of my previous relationship, Chris is coming up here to SF tomorrow night. No, he is not here to visit me. He has some awards ceremony to attend to for his scholarship award to study in Tokyo. He did ask me if I wanted to hang out since he'll be in town and I agreed. Now, I don't go out of my way to contact him anymore because of what happened between us and I don't care. He's usually the one that contacts me or calls me. We are on speaking terms but that's about it. I don't really care so much about what's going on in his life. If I see him, I see him, blah blah blah.

Anyway, on a different subject, I saw the new M3 on Taylor street on Monday. Ewww!! It's kinda nice but I really like the previous body-shape. That's still gonna be my car, but gosh, I still can't get over the new look. I'm looking at the bmw site right now...boy oh boy. The "tin-mobile" heh-heh. One day!

Conclusion for today: this ain't no oink oink day. This is one fucked up realization.

Half-assed shit my ass! No more No more!

ERROR MSGMay 1, 2001 + Tuesday + 11:59 pm

>>>>>>>>>>>>>oink. Wow, one more minute left of the first day of May 2001. This day went by so fast, I can't even remember what happened! *smirk*

"I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed..."

I just felt like putting that lyric above [it's "Losing a Whole Year" by Third Eye Blind. I was obsessed with that album when it came out, 1997] because it seems relevant to my glorious May-day.

I just actually "began" my day at around 9pm, so right about now, the night is still young. Unfortunately I'm at home but it's all good because I can get up early and go to work...Drats...and I hear that weatherwise it'll be in the lower 80s! I always work inside on the nice days.

>>>Hyde Street adventures. Tonight, as I felt the garlic-y snail roll around on my tongue, I tried so hard to imagine that it was a clam, but as I pierced it with my teeth, it felt too tender to be clam-like and I just closed my eyes and just ate it. Now, this is my 2nd time having snails [first time was 1999] and they're like clams and I can eat clams, but something about the S-word and the black snail-y appearance just makes me grateful for the complimentary glasses of water , my bubbly at the table and a brave snail-oyster-eating hottie adjacent to me...then again, the clams that I had were raw anyway, so why should I cringe?

ERROR MSGNow is this true, I heard that for tomorrow, May 2, any Ben and Jerry's ice cream joint will give out free cones all day long?! There's a Ben and Jerry's in North Beach [which is relatively closer to my work place than going to the one in Union Square]...hm....should I try? After all, tomorrow will be ice-cream weather day!

I was accidentally a vampire today. Woops!

Scary how the year is nearly 1/2 over! 5th month already. 5 months of fun. I'm having a good year. How long will this last?

A kristinthegreat adventure #584 and counting