July 2, 2001 + Monday + 4:56 pm

words to live by. madonna certainly knows what's up//Don't go for second best, baby put your love to the test. You know, you know you've got to make him express how he feels and maybe then you'll know your love is real.........And when you're gone he might regret it. Think about the love he once had. Try to carry on, but he just won't get it, he'll be back on his knees to express himself.

hidden story, now found from the month of may.

The tension that ensued between us all day long on Thursday...I surprise-visited him again at his place. He was sleeping when I got there. He gave me a comforting hug because of what happened to me the night before and proceeded to sit down next to me watching TV. No kiss, no hand holding. It didn't feel weird, but I was very much aware that there was some distance between us. I thought maybe he felt awkward to make the first move all the time, but I didn't dare do it. It seemed like he wanted this distance too. I kept it because I don't want to make the first move in our current situation. It remained like this the whole day. There were times where our hands had touched but he didn't bother to hold it. One time we crossed the street and he held me by my wrist instead of my hand to avoid hand holding and so I knew for sure he wasn't going to and that he was trying to keep things "platonic" from now on, I suppose. Just friends. No more dating. End of that, period. It wasn't until after 5pm, after a very late lunch, we were walking and our hands very briefly held each other's for a split second and he let go and said, "I kind of want to hold your hand but I shouldn't do that." I told him, "Yeah, me too...I can't help it." He said we shouldn't since it wouldn't be a good idea [after what we've been through discussing that he doesn't want a girlfriend and just only wants to remain friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Discouraging, yes.]. Anyway, upon having said that, we just walked side by side down Post street, often times I would trail behind him a mere few inches, sometimes intentionally to see if he'd wait for me and do something. I felt reasonably happy to learn that he's been wanting to hold my hand too. I mean, I was totally dying to. I don't think I've ever felt such need to hold his simple hand so badly. I guess I was used to walking around in public with him hand in hand all the time. Even if it's so ordinary to see people out on the the street holding hands, I liked knowing that people were able to see that, and to see us look so happy. It feels good to hold his hand in public, er when HE holds my hand in public...he's usually the one to reach for my hand anyway. At any rate, I was hoping and wishing I could come into contact with his hand. It would make me feel a whole lot better.

We were headed towards Kintetsu Mall and just out of nowhere he just went for it--he took my hand and just held it. It felt so good and I began smiling. It was kinda like an "oh fuck it, I can't help it anymore, I don't care, I'll just hold her hand!" feeling. It was so nice. After that, I guess it "broke the ice" and we were once "back to normal", back to the affectionate way of things, we were flirty once again. I'm telling you, the tension was so obvious and it was killing me [maybe him, even], but I felt so relieved...and nothing's changed since then.

July 1, 2001 + Sunday + 6:26 pm

Soul-searching sunday// My favorite song today [heh, I shoulda put it on my favorite things box--->] is me and mrs. jones by the dramatics. Reminds me of 102.9, the quiet storm!

Happy July 1st. I can officially say [and I've told many people this so sorry if I'm being redundant] that my birthday is next month. Finally. I feel like I'm always stuck waiting because I wasn't a spring baby. But hey, nothing wrong with late summer babies---I'm patient.

I got my new glasses today! Yeeha! I like getting new glasses. I feel a little bit renewed, that and a little bit blinder every year because my eyesight slightly worsened a microscopic bit, according to my eye exam results 2 weeks ago.

If Mister Jesse hasn't already mentioned it, and he probably will, well, we hung out again [like the 2nd time] last night. We went to Yancy's because I owed him a drinky since I flaked out on a Korean movie that I agreed to go see with him back in April. Ann came along because she was accidentally locked out her house so I rescued her. The drinks were on me :)

Can't wait for sex and the city tonight! I want to see more of Aidan!